Loss #4

It has been a while since I posted anything and I was so hoping to post good news, but that just doesn’t seem to be in the cards for us yet.  October was my first real cycle following the miscarriage in July. It was the first time my body ovulated and was the first real chance we had at conceiving again.  Last time it took us 8 cycles to conceive so I was being realistic that it would probably take us a few months and I wasn’t going to be down if it didn’t happen this cycle.  BUT.. much to my surprise, it DID happen this cycle. On 11DPO I saw two beautiful pink lines on my home pregnancy test. I was in shock and SO elated.  I immediately called the doctor to get my beta drawn so that we could start looking at my doubling times. I wasn’t expecting a very high number, but I also wasn’t expecting the result I got – 6.5. 6.5?! I had read that FRER (First Response Early Result) were sensitive to 6.5, but I didn’t actually believe it.  Now I was seeing proof of it.  The nurse on the phone advised me that at this point it was considered a chemical pregnancy and that I should watch out for bleeding and cramping.

My stomach sunk at that point.  I don’t think she realized I was only 11DPO and it was very possible that the numbers could still go up, but either way I wish she would have read my chart. Read my history and been a little more sensitive to the patient she was talking to on the phone.  I got to be happy for about an hour and a half before having the pit in my stomach return.  I was told to return Tuesday (this was Friday) to see if my numbers had quadrupled. Four day. FOUR WHOLE DAYS.  Seemed like an eternity.  All weekend I took a test each morning, hoping the line would get darker. It didn’t. But it didn’t get lighter either. It stayed the same. The exact same.

By Monday I confirm something is definitely not right and mourn on my own. Tuesday rolls around and my second beta comes back at 6.9. Odd. The nurse ventures a guess that it is a pregnancy that isn’t progressing and my body just hasn’t recognized that yet, which is why my numbers have stayed pretty much the same. Officially time to let go.

I call the fertility clinic to talk to a nurse and tell her what has happened. I ask her at what point is this not just “bad luck” and time to look at pursuing intervention.  She talked to the doctor and we now have a follow-up appointment scheduled for November 25th, which is the first day I could get in.  Clearly we aren’t the only individuals who want to have a baby and can’t for one reason or another.

I just feel so defeated.  When will this ever happen for us? Will we ever get to experience the joy of holding our own baby in our arms? Will we ever get to celebrate a positive pregnancy test? At this point we are both pretty jaded.  It is hard for us to get excited about getting a positive result because all 4 times we have had it taken away from us.  It is hard not to be cynical.

For now we will continue on and keep trying.  I ordered us some new vitamins that should be arriving today that are supposed to improve egg and sperm quality, in case it so happens a squirrely egg or sperm is causing this issue to happen over and over.  It could still be a fluke I suppose. This was the first cycle I was on the progesterone and baby aspirin from the get go… so maybe?  I probably sound foolish to some, but it is hard not to have hope. Hope that we will get our baby and that we don’t need to pursue additional interventions.  Hope hope hope.

Through all of this I am so incredibly thankful that I have my husband. He has been and continues to be amazing. I do not know what I would do without his support. We are in this together. The journey of struggling to conceive puts a test on any relationship. It can be a huge strain. We have certainly had our talks and not all of them are sunshines, rainbows, and kittens… but we are in this together. For better or worse. Forever. Like he told me last night, “I’m not going anywhere. I’m in this forever. Whatever we need to do we will do.” And for that, I am so incredibly grateful.