Loss #5 and New Hope

It has been a while since I have written a post. I mostly felt like I didn’t have much to write about since TTC month after month, year after year gets to be pretty repetitive. AF, OPKs, BD, BBT, TWW, HPT, BFN… and repeat. My life has become a revolving set of acronyms. It was all about achieving the best acronym of all… BFP!!! 

Fast forward to March at our appointment with the RE.  This would be month 6 of TTC on our own and it was getting old. I was sick of timing something that was supposed to be spur of the moment and passionate. It was so far from either of those things that it was becoming a huge chore. We talked with our doctor about starting letrozole and IUI to up our odds. We were all for it. Sign us up!  Well, low and behold on March 28th I got a natural BFP.  My body seemed to be saying, “NO! I can do this on my own.. SEE!” Hallelujah!!

The first week after my BFP I was extremely anxious. My chest was tight, I felt like my throat was closing off… it was almost like having a 24/7 anxiety attack.  I was out of town for work and was unable to get a beta drawn to calm my nerves. Finally, that Saturday I had a beta drawn and the number came back in the high 300s, which was great for where I was (4w4dish…). My doctor was optimistic! The next day my ladies were super sore and had noticeably grown, which was also a GREAT sign. I was finally feeling like this was it!! The aspirin, prednisone, progesterone, acupuncture, and umpteen vitamins were going to work and keep this baby alive!

And then Monday came… I went in for my second beta and it had dropped by 12. My doctor was devastated when she called to deliver the news.  I was just in shock… completely numb to what she was telling me.  It felt like a slap in the face that the day after I had started feeling all of these symptoms and was finally optimistic that I received the bad news. I was mad, sad, scared, and a host of other emotions all in one… none of which were happy. I was mad that this was happening again because 5 miscarriages is NOT FAIR. Not fucking fair. I was incredibly sad because I was losing another baby. Another dream of holding a healthy, happy baby in my arms squashed.  But most of all, I felt scared. What was causing this? All of our tests came back fine. Plus, I was on all of the preventative medicine “just in case”.  I felt broken… that I was completely failing at one of the key things that defines being a woman to me… being able to carry a child. 

Overall, I handled this loss much better than the others. It helped that I hadn’t allowed myself to get as attached as the pregnancies before. What really helped, however, was finding information about a doctor in Chicago, Dr. Kwak-Kim, that specializes in Reproductive Immunology. I have always been suspicious that there is something with my immune system and my acupuncturist believes strongly now that my immune system is a huge factor.  I do have Hashimotos and had a positive ANA result after my first m/c when I was tested. Both of these are immune system-related. 

This Friday we have an appointment with our RE to talk about what is next and I have already mentioned wanting to see the doctor in Chicago for further immune testing since all of the common tests have come back normal on me. I am so grateful that my doctor is supportive of this and has said he will take care of all the paperwork for me. This is HUGE since I know not all REs believe that the immune system can cause repeat miscarriages, but my doctor is 100% on board. I feel so incredibly thankful for that.

My husband and I have said that starting a family is priority #1 for us so we are going to move forward with seeing the doctor in Chicago and also doing the letrozole and IUI. I am going to throw the kitchen sink at this to increase our odds. This journey that doesn’t have a destination yet has been a tough one.  As a couple, we are stronger than ever but I can’t say it has been without rough patches. If anyone has gone through this and has never had a fight with their partner, never been at odds, never felt like the deed is a chore, etc. you are a saint. My husband and I are both incredibly strong people and have so much love for one another but even we have succumbed to the strain that comes with a two year struggle that has resulted in 5 losses and 0 live babies.  But we are committed to seeing this through and staying the course until we have run out of options for me to carry our child.

So now we wait… wait to hear for the referral to go through and receive a date for an appointment with Dr. KK. I have heard it can be two months, so I need to prepare myself for that. I’m not exactly very patient when it comes to all this… especially when my 31st birthday is on the horizon (April 30th..) and all I can think of is my ovaries getting closer to retirement. 

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2 thoughts on “Loss #5 and New Hope

  1. I’m so sorry for your loss. That’s great that your doctor is making a referral. I hope it can help you get some answers. Take good care of yourself! All the best.

  2. I am so happy you found my blog and if you have any questions about Dr. Kim and her protocol, please don’t hesitate to ask. I know for a fact she is the reason I am now pregnant for this long and have very high hopes you will be also.

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