The past week or so has been an incredibly difficult time for my husband and me. The journey of trying to have a child has had far more downs than ups and it seems we’ve reached the tipping point. Adam has always been the rock, the person to pick me up when I am down and need to be comforted. What I haven’t realized until recently is just how much this process is affecting him. He is hurting. The endless, timed BD sessions for a chance at conceiving our little miracle have left him feeling empty and distant from me. What used to bring us enjoyment and closer together does almost the opposite now. I’m left feeling unsure of how to reach to him, to let him know that the person he married is still here, and that I want to help in any way I can. The words I say never seem to be right and the gestures I make don’t seem to help. I am at a loss. How do I show him that he really is the #1 person in my life? If it weren’t for this trying to have a baby business, we wouldn’t have a problem in the world – aside from normal stuff like the dishwasher dying, which is easy peasy compared to what we are working through.
I have such conflicting feelings. On one hand I want us to have a baby so badly because I know it is what we both want and as mentioned above, the tension would evaporate into thin air. But on the other hand I feel like every time we try it is just pushing him further away. I can’t do this without him — but more than that, I don’t WANT to do this without him. I love him more than I thought I could love someone. I am a “fixer”, a “problem solver” by nature and I can’t seem to find a way to fix what we’re going through right now and it is slowly killing me from the inside out. And watching my husband suffer is pure torture for me.
I want to be able to turn my brain off from trying to conceive. To forget what I know and not be in tune with all of the changes in my body to know what time of the month I am in. But I honestly don’t know how to reprogram myself. It has been 18+ months since we started trying and that is 18+ months of programming my mind to be aware of everything so that we could have a good chance at having this miracle child. At this point I don’t think I have a choice but to take a break from trying to conceive. I can’t risk pushing my husband further away. I just hope I have the strength within me to do it. To find a way to not think about it all of the time and to not feel depressed by “missing a month”.
We’ve talked to a psychologist about this, but I honestly don’t think it was very helpful. In some ways, I think she made things worse. She mentioned how what we have gone through can be so hard on the husband because he hates to see his wife going through so much pain. But for the woman, their priority shifts from the husband to the baby and becomes all about the baby. The way she said it has stuck with my husband and has made him feel that baby is #1 in my mind and that he is now not important, which is completely untrue. I could actually slap the woman for saying this. I know that priorities change when you have a baby, but maintaining the relationship with my husband is extremely important to me. I want us to maintain our interests and not have the only things we are able to talk about be our children. I have witnessed far too many couples whose only thing in common is their children. Yes, there will be sacrifices we make and we will need to put our children first quite often, but that doesn’t mean our relationship goes by the wayside. I will fight, fight, fight not to let that happen. I didn’t think I would have to start that fight before we actually had children, but it seems I do. I need to fight, fight, fight to make sure my husband knows how incredibly important he is to me.
I’m not sure where the next few weeks or month will take us just yet, but I am ever hopeful that we will find “us” again. The us that said “I do” on our wedding day, the us that used to be carefree and spontaneous. The us that used to smile and laugh a heck of lot more often than we have as of late.