A Refreshing Change

After writing my last post, I had really accepted that we would need to take at least a month off, as the continual TTCing was really getting to my husband. But instead, I have been pleasantly surprised how the month has gone.

Adam suggested that I not tell him when it was that time. Initially, I was completely turned off to the whole idea. In my head it seemed like I would be lying to him, but Adam assured me that he didn’t care. After mulling it over in my head I decided to give it a try. I kept temping like usual and started doing OPKs as I would normally do, but instead of leaving my evidence in the trash I stuffed all the test trips in the back of a bathroom drawer out of sight. I was nervous about initiating too early and then needing to initiate a few times over a short period of time, fearing that he would be on to me and we’d be back to square one.  I decided to wait for a positive OPK before planning my “attack”. It went off without a hitch!

About 4 days after the big O day I asked my husband how he thought this cycle had gone and he said he hadn’t even known it was that time already. He had had no idea. Success! I told him I was nervous about initiating two days in a row and he said I should have.  That without the constant reminders about needing to get busy, he actually felt in the mood much more frequently. I was delighted to hear this.

Today is 8DPO and I am really not sure if things worked out or not yet. I did almost pee on a stick this morning, but for once, the rational me said “girl, you’re 8DPO. Are you nuts?!” and won the battle over emotional me. Even if they don’t work out this cycle, I am hopeful about this new strategy we’re trying. It might not work to do it every month with my travel schedule for work, but we’ll give it a try.  And hey — maybe, just maybe, this month will be our lucky month to get a BFP and a healthy pregnancy along with it!

Who will win the POAS battle tomorrow?! At 9DPO it’s really a toss-up between Emotional Me and Rational Me. Emotional Me says, “But maybe you can be one of those lucky ones that finds out at 9DPO. Wouldn’t that be amazing?!” while Rational Me says, “Come on. You know that very very very few people find out at 9DPO. 9DPO is the most common day for implantation to even happen! You should wait.”

 

 

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Turning Point

The past week or so has been an incredibly difficult time for my husband and me. The journey of trying to have a child has had far more downs than ups and it seems we’ve reached the tipping point. Adam has always been the rock, the person to pick me up when I am down and need to be comforted. What I haven’t realized until recently is just how much this process is affecting him.  He is hurting. The endless, timed BD sessions for a chance at conceiving our little miracle have left him feeling empty and distant from me. What used to bring us enjoyment and closer together does almost the opposite now. I’m left feeling unsure of how to reach to him, to let him know that the person he married is still here, and that I want to help in any way I can. The words I say never seem to be right and the gestures I make don’t seem to help. I am at a loss. How do I show him that he really is the #1 person in my life? If it weren’t for this trying to have a baby business, we wouldn’t have a problem in the world – aside from normal stuff like the dishwasher dying, which is easy peasy compared to what we are working through.

I have such conflicting feelings. On one hand I want us to have a baby so badly because I know it is what we both want and as mentioned above, the tension would evaporate into thin air. But on the other hand I feel like every time we try it is just pushing him further away. I can’t do this without him — but more than that, I don’t WANT to do this without him. I love him more than I thought I could love someone. I am a “fixer”, a “problem solver” by nature and I can’t seem to find a way to fix what we’re going through right now and it is slowly killing me from the inside out.  And watching my husband suffer is pure torture for me.

I want to be able to turn my brain off from trying to conceive. To forget what I know and not be in tune with all of the changes in my body to know what time of the month I am in.  But I honestly don’t know how to reprogram myself. It has been 18+ months since we started trying and that is 18+ months of programming my mind to be aware of everything so that we could have a good chance at having this miracle child. At this point I don’t think I have a choice but to take a break from trying to conceive. I can’t risk pushing my husband further away.  I just hope I have the strength within me to do it.  To find a way to not think about it all of the time and to not feel depressed by “missing a month”.

We’ve talked to a psychologist about this, but I honestly don’t think it was very helpful. In some ways, I think she made things worse. She mentioned how what we have gone through can be so hard on the husband because he hates to see his wife going through so much pain. But for the woman, their priority shifts from the husband to the baby and becomes all about the baby. The way she said it has stuck with my husband and has made him feel that baby is #1 in my mind and that he is now not important, which is completely untrue. I could actually slap the woman for saying this. I know that priorities change when you have a baby, but maintaining the relationship with my husband is extremely important to me. I want us to maintain our interests and not have the only things we are able to talk about be our children. I have witnessed far too many couples whose only thing in common is their children. Yes, there will be sacrifices we make and we will need to put our children first quite often, but that doesn’t mean our relationship goes by the wayside. I will fight, fight, fight not to let that happen. I didn’t think I would have to start that fight before we actually had children, but it seems I do.  I need to fight, fight, fight to make sure my husband knows how incredibly important he is to me.

I’m not sure where the next few weeks or month will take us just yet, but I am ever hopeful that we will find “us” again. The us that said “I do” on our wedding day, the us that used to be carefree and spontaneous. The us that used to smile and laugh a heck of lot more often than we have as of late.

 

Two Months In Review

I realized this morning that I haven’t blogged in over two months. I wish it was because I had miraculously gotten pregnant and I was waiting until a safer point to write a blog post about it. But, unfortunately, that’s not the reason why I haven’t written in two months. I’m still here, still not pregnant, and still trying. I have just been so preoccupied with the holidays, doctor appointments, TTC, and life in general I have been neglectful of my blog.

In November my husband and I met with our RE to talk about what happens next.  He is still very positive that I can have a normal pregnancy. He said that I fall into the “unexplained recurrent miscarriage” bucket, as there really is no clear reason for my miscarriages. Our tests all came back A-OK. Seems like good news and bad news all wrapped up in one ugly package.  We talked about the meds and vitamins I have been taking. When I mentioned that I had been using an oral progesterone supplement from my acupuncturist because the $900 crinone prescription was just more than we could do each month, he said he didn’t think my body was absorbing enough of it and prescribed prometrium for me to use, which is $15 per refill. MUCH better. He also recommended I now start taking the prednisone midway through my luteal phase, in the event that I have an autoimmune issue that they are unaware of in 2013 that could be causing issues with implantation and with my body accepting a “foreigner”. That, along with the 81mg aspirin I am already taking, is the plan.

My husband I also went to see a psychologist mid-December. Adam was growing increasingly concerned about my mental state. It’s true that I was very sad and felt depressed after the chemical pregnancy in October, but I didn’t realize he was so concerned he would actually call my OB and talk with her about it.  Love him even more for loving me so very much. Talking to both the psychologist and my OB were good for us.  It helped my husband understand that although I can go through very sad periods of time and it can really suck, that my feelings are completely normal. I’m not planning any repeat sessions with her because I honestly have nothing to hash out. If we could just conceive a healthy baby every nagging negative thought in my head would disappear.

Until we get that BFP, we are trying to do a better job of not letting it rule our lives. To not put off making plans to go on a vacation and to plan more things during the week, like we used to before TTCing took over our lives.  I am trying (really, really trying) to relax more about it. To enjoy that glass of wine and not “what if” myself over every possible thing I did that month and convince myself it could have decreased our chances at conceiving.  It still does control our lives a little. The fact of the matter is I travel every third week for for my job and we need to plan to be together if my travel falls during that critical time of the month. But so far, it has worked out ok.

I am looking forward to 2014. I just know that it will bring a healthy pregnancy along with it. 2013 was a great year for both my husband and my professional lives, but it was pretty shitty for our personal life. 2014 is going to bring wonderful things for our personal life.  It’s still very possible that we could welcome a baby in the year 2014.

My body really wanted to hammer home the fact that 2013 was sucky because on December 31st I was greeted with Aunt Flo. So here we are on my first cycle of 2014. Let this be THE cycle.

Happy New Year to all of you wonderful ladies trying to conceive. May 2014 bring all of us healthy pregnancies and healthy babies we get to hold in our arms.